Alter Ego - Musings

If you believe in forever, then life is just a one night stand......
a line from an Oldie which I find fascinating.

They say its a sign of aging when one rambles and roams from subject to subject, I prefer to think of it as an active interest in life and its many angles. I have always been an avid reader. I have them stacked, double thick in most places, on shelves in three rooms of our house with shelves almost 200 feet in total length. My husband has reached the point where he refuses to put up any more bookshelves, but still it is one of my vices. If I like something, I want it close enough to refer to at any time. I read with a pen and paper beside me and take notes, jotting down bits for later reference.

The books range from popular fantasy to ancient philosophy and from current events to metaphysical thought. They are an extension of me as I reach for elusive and ever tantalizing knowledge of life. when I have a nightmare, it is often about trying to save my books from a fire or natural disaster. . . guess I place a lot of value on them. It is embarassing to say, but I have dreamed of standing in the burning house, throwing books out the window to save them.

Books are people, places, events and thoughts some of which we may never access except through books. They are very much like people we meet each day; each has some bit of knowledge to share. I'm always ready to learn some new/old treasure and have found few people who could keep my interest as unfailingly as my books do . . . And I like people, so that tells you the value of books and knowledge in my life. Some people would say too much, but books are people and places and events and thoughts to which we would be unable to reach if books did not exist. . . very much like people we meet each day. All people and all books have knowledge to share, and I am greedy for that.

I have found few people who could keep my interest as long books do. And I like people, so that tells you the value of books and knowledge in my life.

When we moved into our new house (five years in the building!) Labor Day 1999, my poor husband thought he had finally built me enough bookshelves. Alas, I found that I had to say goodbye to some of the hoards of books I had collected, because they simply wouldn't fit on those shelves. There MUST be a way, I thought... but as it turned out. I gave some to my children, some to the library, and some we simply threw away as out of date and in too much disrepair to keep, and still there are more books than shelf space. I am a pack rat when it comes to books. It is one of my vices. If I enjoyed it the first time, I want it close enough to reach for reference and rereading. When my daughters went to college, they kept asking if I had this or that book so they wouldn't have to buy a copy. That alone encouraged me to add to the collection!

Several years ago, I read a short quote from WARNINGS by Jenny Joseph... I somehow identify with it and found the ideas implied by it fascinating. Here is the quote.. You might enjoy reading the whole piece, and placing the whole work online amounts to copyright infringement. So... it has been published in several books... try to find it in the poetry section at your bookstore.

"When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple with a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me, and I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals, and say we have no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells, and run my stick along the public railings, and make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, and pick the flowers in other people's gardens, and learn to spit."

On the other hand, why wait a lifetime to be yourself? Must we spend our lives conforming to the "norm", only expressing ourselves in the later years? Perhaps we feel we are allowed eccentricities as a reward for the years of subjugating our dreams and desires. Perhaps we could be better people by allowing ourselves a bit of this freedom throughout our years.

"Fitting" in is a costly lifestyle! We spend years of our lives worrying about what people think of us and how to rise in the world. What do we gain from the effort? If we are lucky (by the standards of the world) we gain public respect and material wealth. Not to sound trite, but such gains are hollow victories. Have we made progress within our own soul? Have we improved the world by our presence? Have we contributed to the peace and happiness of our fellow travelers? Difficult questions. . . . Maybe we need to spend more of our precious efforts in dreaming dreams, and following them. So many times just listening to the quiet little voice in our hearts can lead us to the real treasures of our lifetimes. A quiet little voice which we too often drown out with the scurrying around and din of our hectic times. Stop. Listen . . . it is there, waiting for us to listen and learn what we already know but refuse to acknowledge.

So many times what I thought was bad luck or troubles in my life turned out to be a door to a new and better opportunity. God (By what ever name S/He wears in your spiritual life) often has to knock us for a loop before we pay attention. So often, when we are having problems, it is simply a matter of tuning in to the correct frequency, or as the old timers would say, living right. Following that little quiet voice in our heart, listening to the inner guidance we all have within ourselves . . . if we but listen. (Please visit My God before you dispute my use of the terminology above regarding God.)

Lately, I have been re-evaluating life. 1999 brought me face to face with my own mortality. I had been not feeling as energetic and knew that I had some health problems.. but nothing to really be concerned about I told myself. I kept telling myself that my condition was mostly from neglecting my physical fitness. In August, 1999, I found out just how wrong I could be, and how thoroughly we can ignore and reason away our doubts. I was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent surgery the next day. An apple sized tumor was removed, along with a few other pieces of me. Fortunately, there was no spreading. I spent 10 days in the hospital and have since completed six months of chemotherapy to reduce the odds of recurrance. There will be regularly scheduled checkups to assure that the cancer has not returned. I bring this into my "musings" as a gentle reminder to you as you read this.. take care of your health needs and misgivings about what may or may not be going on in that area of your life. You may feel, as I did, that you simply cannot afford to be sick, so you won't be. Well . . . illnesses do not respect that reasoning.

Several years ago I decided since we had/have no health insurance and could not afford to get any, that if I got that sick, I would just have to die, so I ignored my symptoms, all the while knowing something was wrong. I almost got away with it, but one day, I doubled over in pain, and my oldest daughter saw me and insisted that I go to see a doctor. She insisted and that is the reason I finally gave in saw a doctor. She sent me to a surgeon directly from her office. The surgeon who did the tests, could not even complete the tests due to the obstruction, by the next morning, I was in surgery, it is a costly bit of work, no doubt, but the alternative is not one I would wish to have taken.. Having "Been There . . . Done That", I now know that life is sweet, far sweeter than I had been noticing, and I have children and grandchildren I want to spend time with.. our third daughter was married last spring, and our youngest daughter is a Sophomore in college, and my youngest son just graduated from high school. Our second daughter and her husband have two lovely little girls, and our middle son and his wife had their second son last Fall. . . Last Spring, my brother and his wife came back into our lives after a 23 year absence. . . So many blessings I would have missed.

I found that I had friends and family who cared about my life more than I did. It gave me a fresh perspective on life. Tragedies have visited us, my sister in law lost her two sisters to cancer last year and was devastated by it. One sister had a recurrance of a cancer which had been thought to be cured... and was subsequently ignored until it was too late, by the doctors who should have seen it coming.. the other sister died quickly and with little warning of the disease. But beautiful things have happened as well. During my hospitalization and recovery, a good friend on the Internet called regularly, an elderly lady with cancer herself sent me flowers (rest her soul, she fought her cancer 12 years, but finally gave up just before last Christmas). Friends I have had for years came to my bedside. It was a very humbling experience. The look in my husband's eyes when he came into my hospital room after the surgery with tears in his eyes struck me so deeply. Seeing that he really was worried so much. . . I am so used to his strength and silences that I had not thought of how he must be worried. I wasn't worried. . . I had committed to whatever would be, would be. Now I care. What WILL be may not be what we would wish for, but caring is important anyway. I see now that we cannot just resign ourselves to some imagined Fate. God Helps Those Who Help Themselves. . .

I believe in the power of prayer. My Mother was out driving and stopped in a church she had never been to before. They asked her what she needed. She told them about my cancer and they paused in their services and held a group prayer then and there for me, then told my mother that all would be well. (A side note.. I am very much against bigotry, and mention this only to point out that good people see NEED and not color or religion or other external and cosmetic things) The church was not her usual church, she was just passing by, we are of the "so called" White grouping ... and the church was African American.. Black.. I am not sure of the politically correct term these days.. and I don't think those good people would be offended by my use of either term. They only saw someone who was hurting and in need of communal prayer. And they stopped their regular service, and right then and right there they held a group prayer, offering the comfort of their caring and prayer to this strange white woman who stopped in their church. I am very grateful for those people who took time for someone unknown to them and ask God to send Angels to comfort each of them whenever they are in need. Some will smile indulgently at this, some will get indignant.. Some will nod and agree. It is FAITH after all which determines so much of how we live and die.

During my six months of chemotherapy treatments, I was often so tired and feeling so useless. And my husband would look at me and say.. "Just be glad you are alive... that is what matters." It really is. And I am glad of it!! When I gave our kids some of my precious books when we moved into the new house, the asked... "Mom, this doesn't mean you are dying, does it?" And I had to reassure them that it was just time to part with some of them and that the new library, even as many shelves as there are, just wouldn't hold them all...

I was lucky, the chemo was not hard on me; I was tired much of the time, but I saw other people when I had my weekly treatments who were so very sick. I was / am indeed a very fortunate woman. My mother is was treated for breast cancer three years ago, and now for bone cancer. When I got out of the hospital, I was so weak that she, at 69 years old came to help me at my home for two weeks... then she went to her doctor and had a checkup because of what I told her about my symptoms.. and has had several pre-cancerous polyps removed. Last Spring, we found that my younger sister had contacted our brother, who had been "out of touch" for 23 years and we welcomed him back for Mom's 70th birthday celebration. Closure of a heartache for her in all those years of his absence. No one had known where he was and he had not contacted us due to a falling out with our Dad all those years ago. Heal your family wounds and celebrate love and life as well and often as you are able.

Take care of you.. get your checkups. Tell someone you love to get their checkups. Hmmm this has turned into a bit more than I intended to write. I hope it reaches someone who might be doing what I was doing. You are loved. You are needed. Love yourself and take care of yourself for your own sake and for those who love you.

In summary, I guess I want to say do listen to that little voice, value yourself and all life. It is precious and very undervalued in this so very materialistic world. It is a Wonderful Miracle! Not to be casually thrown aside or left to moulder in a dark corner. Laugh in the sunshine and in the shadows. Sing your life ina full happy voice! Share your gifts, no matter how small or large, joyfully ... Taste and see how good it can be if we but let it. And above all.. notice that God gave us something so wonderful that our poor souls often cannot see the true gold of it through our pitiful human eyes. Look through the eyes of a child.. Each Day of life is another gift wrapped in golden ribbons and filled with miracles.

My husband and I were discussing our outlooks on life the other night and discovered a basic difference. He said he has always viewed life as a test... which explains his striving for excellence and competitive nature... I have always seen life as a learning experience. He seemed to think that the test was what made you learn.... I believe we learn from any and all things which happen in the course of each life, not because of a test we will be given; sometimes even in spite of the test. Looking back on my "learning experiences", it seems to me that I learned for the joy of having the knowledge, whether there was a test or not. Perhaps that is a defining characteristic in my nature... I collect... He competes. Interesting... I will have to explore that one further.. But that is for another time and place.