"Never Forgotten
by Bruce DeBoer"

This Page Is NOT For Children

A LESSON FOR THE SOUL

The first time I saw him, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. There was some indefinable thing about him. Not that he was so handsome, although he is a very attractive man; nor was it his voice, as I had never heard him speak. Maybe it is as the ancients said, that we had shared other happy lifetimes. Whatever the reason, he was the one man I knew even before we spoke. We worked out well. Even now, while I am so confused about the unique triad we have become, I know he has been the right one for my life. We have been lovers and friends. We shared a special closeness, laughed, cried, bore children, had joy and pain. Even in my pain, I would not change what we have had. The good has far outweighed the bad. I would share my lesson with you, if you care to hear.

"The one in the plaid shirt...No, not that one. The one to his left, with the light hair. Yes! That's him! I whispered to my new roommate, Lynne. We were sitting in the college auditorium with two hundred other freshmen. It was mid-week of freshman orientation. Lynne and I had already become good friends and I was eager to share my suddenly changed outlook on life. Me, the one who had all the answers, who had her life all planned, who knew just what to do with her life... it all changed in an instant. That first instant I saw him all my well-made plans blurred. He was the one with whom I would spend my life. I was sure of it.

"I don't know. He's all right, but how can you think you know a thing like that from here? He could be cross-eyed and bad tempered."

I was right though. It took time to be noticed by him. I later found that he had not been nearly as impressed with me as I had been with him. He found me more than a little aggressive in those days of docile women. He told me in later years what had drawn him to me was that I was so obviously fond of him. I planned coincidental meetings, which did nothing to further my plan. At last I resorted to a more direct method. I asked his friends about him and hinted of my interest. At last the response I had hoped for... He asked me out. Our First Date, Our First Kiss... the talks, learning about each other, all the things happened that must happen. The magic drew me. I see it all so rationally now. With incredible naivte I decided I would break off our "relationship" if he made no commitment to me by a certain time...Cut him out of my life before he became too important. But it was too late for me to stop, even on that very first day. He was so innocent, so tender. It amazes me even now. He is still much the same.... still innocent with the purity and tenderness of a child, and with the strength and weakness of a man.

We were married a year later. Too soon, we were told. My heart said otherwise. There was so much living to do, and so few years ahead. There could never be enough years ahead. There has been more love in those years than even I hoped for.

In the recesses of my mind I knew it couldn't last. I knew he was only mine for a while. A borrowed love. Not because he stinted or gave half measures. He gave all he had to me freely. We were happy and content. We needed only each other, even our children knew that though we loved them, we first belonged to each other, though we loved them, first we loved each other.

She came into our life quietly. Almost unnoticed. There was a gentle bonding. She is like a child put into a strange world; not knowing the language or the rules. An innocent, like him. She often said her life was a blur, never quite real. The blocks she had set against a painful loss of trust kept her from life, she remained a spectator. She inspires one to reach out and comfort. You want to comfort and protect her, and yet she has a wisdom and strength in her which, in the end helps you over your own pain. It took years for the bond to set. It grew silently. Then, one day, I saw with new understanding..... They were a pair! How could I have missed it for so long?

The beauty of them is chilling. It sends shivers through me to think of it. Their minds follow one path. Their humor is like a tinkling brook, swirling and foaming and laughing over the rocks that bruise and divide them. They flow smoothly over the stones and mesh again into one as if the stone were never there. The light sparkles on them, it shimmers and lies gracefully as silk. For so many years, I thought of us that way. Oh, how blind we are when we want to be. I knew. I have always known. There was some part of him that was not mine. Not because he withheld it, but because it slept, waiting for her. I have seen the beauty of their love, and even in my loneliness, I cannot grudge them the small comforts of their love. I wonder how it feels to find your true mate. There must be both pain and joy in them, knowing they can never have a life together in this world, yet being one in spirit for always.

By the standards of this world, I should demand recompense for my loss. But have I really lost? The sorrow I feel late in the night is for the need of my own soul, to have that oneness. they share all they are able to share. Could I be so giving? In the night, in the anguish of my dream, I find a small truth.

"I love the water. It feels so free and eternal. This is our wedding trip. Parting with my parents was difficult. I will miss them. I am very lucky, though, all marriages do not find love in them. I knew when I first saw him we would be happy together. My father chose well. Dani is a good man, gentle and strong. He gave me this ring; he carved it himself. It will be a seven night trip to our new home. Dani told me how it looks. It sets on a small, grassy hill, overlooking the bay. The city is visible in the distance across the water.

Dani laid a canvas pad on the deck for me as we set sail. He has gone to settle our things into the small cabin we have. He was able to get it, even though the other passengers will share pallets in one large area. The captain said it was a wedding gift from him. How nice of him. The other passengers are coming on board now.

"Are you comfortable here, Kara? It will be cool soon with the wind from the water."

"Yes, I will be fine. It is so exciting, just being with you. I love you so much, Dani." He settled onto the cushion with me, his arm around my shoulders. As I leaned my head against his chest, I knew I would soon be asleep. The ship gently rocked me into dreams.

"Kara. Kara... Wake up. You've slept away the afternoon. It's time for supper. There you are my pretty one."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was dreaming." I reached up to touch his face and ran my fingers across his beard. "I'm glad you have a beard. An unbearded man looks like a boy."

"Aren't you the coy one" The wiles of a temptress..Now don't raise a temper, I'm only teasing." He laughed and kissed my hair. "Come now, it really is time for supper, and I'm starving!" He stood and pulled me to my feet. Everyone else was seated when we entered. The captain introduced us all, and the meal began. There are six other passengers. Two ladies and four men. one of the ladies has golden hair and smokey eyes, like the northern people. I think I will like her. Her name is Ellis, and her husband is Petris. They are both older than Dani and I. His hair is beginning to silver. I think he is a doctor.

After supper Dani led me to our cabin in the twilight. Even in the dimness, I could see the gentle eyes of the man I had known less than half a month. I prayed I would never see the light of his loving eyes turn from me. He cradled me in his arms, kissing me with the passion I now only remember. My heart leapt as I returned his passion touch for touch, breath for breath. We made a good match. Sleep flowed over us. In the afterglow of our loving, I felt the rocking of the ship in the sea. Dreams claimed us, slipping through us like the sea beneath the ship.

It is said that we choose our own life. We each rest in a cloudlike place for a time, then we look into the cloud and choose what we would have in our life to help our soul learn its' lessons. If this is so, why do we not remember it here? It would be much better if we did, then we would know our purpose. I know that Dani is my purpose. My teacher, Anna, would say I teas myself with that thought. It is not so simple, she would say. And yet, it is even more simple. Anna is so wise. She did a Seeing for me as a wedding gift. She said I would dream true dreams, be very happy and very sad and that wisdom from beyond my years would come to me.

My dreams are a jumble of water rushing over me and smoke billowing like clouds. I am an island. There is a storm. My trees are uprooted and swept away by the sea. But I am not unhappy. I am covered in golden light, and the gulls call to me as they circle high in the sky. A good dream, yet full of storm and violence. I smell the water. It is fresh and clean. The breeze still carries the scent of the trees on shore, even though we can no longer see the land. We are not far from it, when the light is right, I can see the tops of tall trees and the outline of the hills beyond. My dream is a jumble of the future and past. As I open my eyes, they are met by soft light through the porthole. The sky seems gray. Dani is not here. I pick up my brush to arrange my hair.

"I thought you might wake up soon. I saved you some bread and honey from breakfast. You looked too peaceful in sleep for me to wake you."

"I woke just as you came in. Is it that late? The sky is not very bright."

"It is a dull and cloudy day. Everyone is staying inside, except the doctor's wife. She is on deck sewing. She asked about you. Would you like to go up and talk with her?"

"As soon as I am dressed, I will join you up there." Dani held me in his arms for a quick kiss. "If we do that again, we will not make it to the deck this morning"

"Would that be a bad idea? I like the thought of lying here with you." Laughing softly, he pulled me onto the blankets. His hands caressed me and his breath grew quick. I know I was still glowing from his lovemaking when we went onto the deck almost an hour later.

I was right about Ellis. I do like her. They are from my new homeland. She has been away from home for a year. She has missed her home and her sons. Petris has been studying at the University. Her sons are nearly grown. Already I have a friend to begin my new life with.

Petris is not very friendly, I don't think he likes us. One day he forbid Ellis to even sit with us. Such a sulky man. Ellis has been teaching me new stitches. Petris never seems to have time for her. Dani likes Ellis as much as I do. They seem to know what the other will say before it has been said. She showed him the sewing stitch I had been trying out and when she handed the cloth to him, he kept looking at her, even as he spoke about the stitches, he was looking at her....I'm jealous! How can I be jealous? I've been married less than a week!

Three more days until we dock. I settled myself into my sewing and only half listened to the turns in conversation. Then, after a while, I noticed that I was not part of the conversation at all. It is that way more and more. I am a listener now, with only a nod or minor comment occasionally. They are rapt as they laugh and talk. Her eyes hold not one cloud and his are shining. It is nice that we can all be friends. The sky is darker now. I think we may have rain again. The captain sent word that we would have supper early. It must mean something is going to happen. After supper, Dani was quiet. I guess he is tired from the afternoon. Ah, well.

The ship is pitching a great deal. I wonder what hour it is. The storm is upon us. Dani spoke. What woke me? Dani. Did he say something? Ellis. He spoke her name in his sleep. No. I imagined it. The thunder and rain are too loud to hear anything. How can he sleep through this? "Dani, please wake up. DANI! Please! I'm frightened. The storm is worse than they said it would be."

"What? Kara? Oh, it is really crashing aroung out there, isn't it? Maybe I should so out and see if they need help."

"NO. Please. Don't go out there. If they need you, they will come get you. Please hold me. Stay and hold me." He pulled me against his chest and held my head near his heart. I could feel its strong rhythmic beating.

"My little tigress is a kitten, afraid of a little noise and rain. Go back to sleep now. I will hold you. Morning will be here before you know it." It took a long time, it seemed, but I did sleep again. I know his arms must have ached, but he held me until I was sleeping. Morning dawned brightly and the storm had left little trace. I thought. I thought it until we were at breakfast. Ellis came in and went over to the captain. He looked at her and shook his head. They left the room together. A man came to Dani and spoke quietly in his ear. Dani looked stunned. He rose to leave.

"What is it? Dani? What is wrong?"

"Petris has not been seen since last night. Everyone is looking for him. You go to Ellis. She needs someone." Ellis was pale and frightened when I found her.

"He said he wanted to sleep on the deck. I was worried about the rain. But he said it would be all right. Kara, I'm so afraid."

"Ellis, they will find him. You'll see. It will be all right." She was not reassured. Neither was I. It seemed like hours when Dani finally came to us. They didn't find him. Dani held her as she stood trembling. She did not cry, not then. They only talked quietly. The captain came, looked at the three of us and walked on by, silent. When the tears came, it was a flood. They sat together, her head against his chest, her tears staining his blouse.

"I loved him when we first married. He seemed never to have time for me, though. I let my heart harden. I know now that he loved me as well as he was able. I hope he knew I loved him, even in these last few years, when it has been so strained between us. Has left a space that will not heal quickly." Ellis cried softly as she spoke the words, then stood and walked away from us.

Dani held out his hand to me and I took it. We walked to our cabin without a word. Inside, he held me tightly and almost it seemed desperately. We sank onto the little bed. He made love to me with an intensity that left us both exhausted. He fell asleep on my arm, but I could not bear to move the arm away from him. It was tingling asleep when he rolled off of it. The water slipped beneath the ship rocking on it, the same as yesterday. The same soft way as before the world changed for us all.

We reached home a day ahead of time. The storm had carried us that far. We helped Ellis get to her house and she said she would be all right. We promised to see her often and help when we could. Dani talked to me all the way to our house. He tried to make me comfortable and we began our life together.

We saw Ellis often. The friendship between us deepened day by day. On my birthday, almost a year from that stormy day Petris left us Ellis came to live with us. Our baby was soon to be born, and she would be help for me as a new mother. Dani and Ellis hovered over me like mother hens. I would smile to see how they seemed two halves of a whole. I couldn't remember how life was before she came into our lives: It seemed she had always been a part of our home.

Our little son took a long time to be born and I was so very tired. Without Ellis I could not have taken care of him and our home. Dani was so proud of him. It took such a long time to get my strength back. Dani would sit with me holding my hand quietly into the night. Sometimes I heard him come to bed late at night, quietly, so he wouldn't disturb me. He would lie close to me and hold me in his arms as we slept. I pretended to sleep so we wouldn't have to talk. Ellis brought Dennie to me to nurse and took care of the daily work of homemaking. I worried about how I would manage when she left us.

Dani seemed worried when I asked if Ellis could stay with us permanently. I convinced him, though, and her, too. The house would have been so empty without her. Ellis was good for us, especially for Dani. His love for her was so obvious. Oh, he loved me too. But she was special. At first I was angry. But then it seemed so right to share Dani with Ellis. He loved me and he loved her and we both loved him, so what could be more right? Sometimes I felt guilty for taking time away from them. Sometimes I felt like an intruder. Some nights when he thought I was asleep, he would go to her. I wondered how it felt to him to make love to her and know he is bound by sacred vow to me. I wondered how it felt to her to hold him and know he would return to my bed before morning. They must have been very sad.

How wonderful it must feel to share a soul. I wish I could have found my souls mate. I wish I could give them the freedom they wish they could keep from hurting me. If I could convince them I don't mind it. But no. They would never accept that. We could share. But they would never understand that. It is harder each day to see them together. The longing I see in them grows harder for me to bear.

"My secret world is growing. I think more and more of them in love and unable to share it openly. Dani tries so hard to give me the loving and tender moments we should have together. I ache for us all. I know now what I must do. It will cost my soul gravely, but it will be for good reason. Perhaps I will be forgiven. I must die."

We sailed to the capital for Festival that evening, and when everyone was asleep I slipped over the side. It took only moments for the warm, soft water to release me. "They will have a good life", I thought...... I was wrong! I could see it all so clearly in those moments. They will be happy, and love each other. But, I have wasted a chance to grow. I didn't see until now. There was so much more to our lives together than I knew. Now we will have to do it again. Petris is with me. He made the wrong choice too. He saw how they felt long before I did and chose to end his pain with death, just as I did.

Soon it will begin again. This time I will not forget. I will remember the purpose of my life. I will help them to remember, too. I will help us all to grow. We must have patience and unselfishness. That is a hard lesson. The love was right. The lesson was in the way we all might have grown through the experience together. Dani and Ellis will love again, but must not give in to their passions. Petris and I must see their love and it allow it to grow and thrive without despair. Love is so many things, so many ways.

"Is it time already? The clouds are flowing over me. I will fear the water now, even while I am drawn to it. I must struggle against dying, too, since I gave in to it last time. It will tempt me, seeming an easy release, but I will not give in. I will remember.... I am at the gate now. They say I must forget the choosing. I will hide it in the corner of my mind. I will remember it when I need it.....I will remember... I WILL REMEMBER....the veil is falling...."

A strange dream. So real. The truth of it is apparent even when I am awake. I know why I love them both. I know how hard it will be for us all. I KNOW WHY. I have felt the pain and the joy. I have found the wisdom beyond my years. There are so many lessons to learn. At least now I know the journey will be worthwhile... Listen to the dream, it carries truth hidden in its veil...

Thank you for letting me give you a part of me, for in giving, I become whole.

December 1985, Paula©

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